Will 2011 be the year that Simon Cowell finally realizes that there really is such a thing as bad publicity? After weeks of flooding the papers with “friendly” stories about this year’s Britain’s Got Talent contestants, all it took was one unflattering expose alleging bookies’ favourite Ronan Parke was being groomed to win, and suddenly a very nasty spotlight was trained on the behind-the-scenes activities of the show.
Why were acts that were previously eliminated, such as French dancer Michael Moral, suddenly given a second chance, only to be voted off again by the public? Why was Michael Collings allowed to perform his original audition song again, yet Jessica Hobson was not, and was promptly slated for a poor performance by Simon? And it seems that “shock” winner Jai had actually made it to the boot camp stage of the X Factor, meaning he wasn’t exactly unknown to Mr Cowell.
Simon Cowell Calls The Shots
In fact, the entire final was a goldmine for conspiracy theorists. If Ronan won, the result was “obviously” a fix. But Simon wants a singer to win, as he seems to think Britain’s Got Talent is something to pass the time until the X Factor starts again in the autumn. The solution – Ronan won’t win, but another singer will, someone who can enjoy the £100,000 and their moment in the spotlight on the Royal Variety bill, then quietly fade into obscurity while Simon carries on with his master plan of making Ronan the next Justin Bieber.
But how to get rid of those pesky non-singers to make sure the public is spending their hard-earned cash voting for the “right” acts? Simple – undermine the other contestants by making sure their performances are weaker. It’s the final, we must all “up our game”. Thus Steven Hall puts far too many songs in his dance routine, impersonator Les Gibson tries and fails to imitate Simon (“I sounded like Boris Karloff”), and Romanian body popper Razy Gogonea suddenly decides to add fire twirling to his repertoire, but despite some energetic arm action, the fire stubbornly refused to go out.
Ronan Parke Comes Second, But Grabs The Headlines
Pianist Jean Martyn, she of the sparkly jackets and boundless energy, found herself sitting sideways on the stage rather than facing the audience, so she was forever twisting her head to try and maintain eye contact. Simon was soon employing his favourite trick of damning with faint praise, calling Jean “musical fish and chips”, ie good for an end-of-the-pier show, but not quite suitable for the Queen.
Meanwhile, Michael Collings has gone from being the next Susan Boyle to just a nice bloke who only appears to have one clean shirt. This left the field clear for Ronan, boy band New Bounce (“the next JLS” according to Amanda Holden) and Jai, and sure enough those were the final three acts. That reliable Scottish block voting ensured Jai came out on top, but it’s Ronan who’s set to bag a £1 million recording deal. Everybody wins!
So was the whistle-blowing posting from an alleged Sony Music executive real, or just a timely plant to ensure maximum viewing figures for the final? Either way the whole episode leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth, and only reinforces the impression that the chances of a genuine variety act winning Britain’s Got Talent are virtually nil.
Arlene Kelly - Born and raised in a small prairie town, by the time I graduated high school I decided I’d had enough of Manitoba winters and headed ...
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