It’s bread and circuses time once again as the annual parade of mad, bad and fairly good erupt forth on Britain’s Got Talent. Is there another Susan Boyle lurking amongst this year’s crop of show-offs?
The official ITV website has helpfully grouped the contestants into categories: “Weird and Wonderful” (sad deluded people we’re all meant to laugh at), “Colourful Characters (genuine variety acts as opposed to the singers and dancers) and “Rising Stars (cute kiddies who aren’t quite old enough for the X Factor and, you guessed it, the dancers – pay attention people, these are the ones with “talent”!).
Chloe - The New Forces’ Sweetheart?
After the first week of auditions there were no shy Scottish spinsters lurking in the wings, but someone equally surprising in the form of Chloe Hickinbottom. Dressed like your average 10-year-old, Chloe proceeded to warble her way through “White Cliffs of Dover”. Yes, a definite whiff of nostalgia, but does Chloe actually see herself as the next Vera Lynn? A very distinct vocal style certainly makes her stand out, but does she merely plan to work her way through Vera’s Greatest Hits?
Also in the “Rising Stars” category was 22-year-old Tobias Mead, a body-popper with an eye-catching “back-to-front” routine. Crucially, he also had an unhappy family story straight out of the film Billy Elliott, whereby he dropped a promising football career to pursue his dreams of dance, much to the dismay of both his father and brothers. One wonders whether the publicity department splashed this all over the tabloids without Tobias’s knowledge or consent. Is he content to play the public sympathy card, or would he rather let his feet do the talking?
No, You Don’t Know Everything Simon
As usual there was plenty to choose from in the no-hoper category, including Paul Hunn, whose entire act consisted of burping, and Michael Lavender, who did peculiar bird noises. However one act, Double Take, had the temerity to fight back, getting into an amusing battle with Simon Cowell over their instruments – he persisted on calling them tambourines, while the ladies repeatedly informed him they were in fact timbrels, as they had two rows of cymbals rather than one.
For fans of genuine variety acts, two certainly stood out on the night. Ultra-camp Kevin Cruise carted his very own mini-ship onto the stage, and proceeded to wow the audience with a series of routines. Sadly alleged dog lover Simon missed Tina and her amazing pooch Chandi, who managed a lot more than the usual roll over or count to five.
Rumor has it this will be Simon Cowell’s last series of Britain’s Got Talent, as he is “too busy” with other projects. He certainly looked bored unless there were singers or dancers on stage. As usual Amanda Holden shrieked with delight at the male strippers, and Piers Morgan, um, did a fine job of looking posh. And nobody does empathising with the general public better than hosts Ant and Dec.
So it’s business as usual for Britain’s Got Talent - plenty of ritual humiliation, the audience baying for blood, and non-too-subtle nudges towards the acts the public REALLY should get behind. Is it too much to hope that for once producers will remember this is not X Factor Lite but the search for an act for the Royal Variety Performance? The clue is in the title, folks.
Arlene Kelly - Born and raised in a small prairie town, by the time I graduated high school I decided I’d had enough of Manitoba winters and headed ...
